Final Fantasy VII: Fans Against Stupid Canon

Writers are not Gods. This is quite unfortunate, because if every creative team in the universe was both infallible and wholly benevolent, I would not be tearing my hair out in frustration over Square-Enix’s Compilation of Final Fantasy VII.

Final Fantasy VII was a good game. Not a perfect game, and not without its own complications, but certainly better than most. With solid source material and a large fanbase with high expectations, a series of sequels and prequels sounds like a reasonably good idea.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

Maybe part of the problem was that the project’s director was only a concept artist for the original game, and while an experienced professional, could not direct his team to the gas station across the street. Perhaps it was just that the games appealed to casual fans and aimed to build a new fanbase, comprised mainly of the slash-happy teenage girls who gobbled up Kingdom Hearts (2). Whatever happened, the fact of the matter is that the new canon that so many fans had been eagerly awaiting… well, sucks.

Sucks is a very open, subjective way to describe the additional canon, but when I try to elaborate, the first thing I find myself wanting to say is that it’s just plain stupid. Much of the new material contradicts the old material - and not just trivial bits of information such as Sephiroth’s preferred brand of shampoo (Herbal Essences, by the way). Many of the changes fly in the face of the concept and spirit of the original game. The characters are often effigies of their former selves, and the plot and dialogue feel like fanfiction. Bad fanfiction. In fact, if Crisis Core was fanfiction, it would no doubt be infamous for having legions of fans despite its sheer bloody-minded awfulness.

Final Fantasy VII Citadel has chronicled many of the changes made by the Compilation, and they’ve done a reasonably good job, but I have two problems with their list, nonetheless. The first is that it’s very general, and therefore, somewhat incomplete. The second is that, for whatever reason, they decided to take a more or less objective approach; in my opinion, this is neither fun nor just.

This section is basically dedicating to outlining every conceivable reason why the Compilation is horrible. Because there are plenty of reasons, it’s my goal to always provide them rather than just nonchalantly wave my hand and assert that it sucks. Even though it does.

My ultimate goal? To vent, of course, but also to create and unite Fans Against Stupid Canon.

And yes: I am a FASCist.